Saturday, February 16, 2013

Day 4—700 Calories

Lol good morning whoever is reading this! I'm feeling less worthless than usual which is good. I had like four sips of a Pepsi this morning before hopping on the city bus and heading to the mall. Im not even hungry yet. Today's stats:
Height: 5'4"
SW: 185lbs
CW: 173???
GW1: 170lbs
GW2: 160lbs
GW3: 150lbs
GW4: 140lbs
GW5: 130lbs

I think my scale is broken. Idk, I don't wanna get my feelings hurt you know? I don't want to be disappointed. Anyway, I'm at the mall and being around clothes makes me want to starve myself till I'm bones, it's great motivation for me. Hopefully that 173 was real and I can celebrate. If it is, I might be able to reach 170 by next week, which I haven't been in over a year.

I do this for the flat tummy.
I do this for thighs that won't spread when I sit down.
I do this to prove them wrong.
I do this to turn heads.
I do this to feel beautiful, confident, and sexy.
I do this to get back at my ex(es).
I do this for a back without numerous rolls and bra fat.
I do this to not envy the skinny girls.
I do this for a less fat face.
I do this to be small.
I do this to lose weight.
I do this to BE thinspo.

I forgot about what the mall also has besides clothes: THE FOOD COURT!! Lol damnit someone get me the hell out of here!!
I'm trying so hard to resist. I keep telling myself that I don't have enough anyway. But I do have enough for a Mrs. Fields cookie....

I resisted temptation!! I even didn't get these peanut MnMs that were calling my name! I feel so proud! Lets see how long this proudness lasts when I get home lol. HOPEFULLY I'll only eat an apple with peanut butter and some coffee. Thats only 405 calories!
Ugh, I have to take out my weave today...

I can feel it. My body running on fumes. My hands and legs shaking and my head pounding. Even though I'm dizzy, it almost feels like I'm high, on cloud 9.
Maybe even 10.
I'm on my way back home, waiting for the bus. Ttyl <3

I ate some of what my mom cooked. I'm not even gonna dwell on it, I'm just proud I went the whole day. Wow.
Fuck the intake.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Day 3—600 Calories

I missed the bus. A car was speeding down the intersection and coming towards me so I turned around to run and twisted my ankle :(

On a less deadly note, I woke up and the scale greeted me with 174lbs!! I honestly think there's something wrong with it bc how could it be?? I'm so close to my first goal I can't wait to actually get there. I'll be 15lbs lighter. 15lbs of pain, loneliness, low self esteem, and most of all disgusting FA T!!

I'm praying I don't eat.
Please body, don't binge.
Be strong. Be thin. Be beautiful.

My prayer didn't work.
My mom was super suspicious and made me eat a breakfast croissant, even though I told her I already had a coffee! I was so mad! I hate when she controls me dammit I'm almost grown!

ANYWAY, so I came to school pissed tf off, late and FAT. AND THEN my best friend got me chocolate for V-Day, and my other best friend got me a Lolly pop.
Breakfast sandwhich--380
Hershey bar--260
Lollipop--100 (exaggerated)

I hate myself. I couldn't stop. I couldnt say no. I keep reminding myself of the body I want, but it doesn't stop me. There's a skinny girl inside me. She's so thin and all the guys want her. She's fit and her flat stomach makes guys swoon. The girls she used to envy now flock to her.
She is beautiful. Unlike Fat Ugly Me. Restricting takes self control and I seem to not have any. How can I go through life with out self control?? I will fail.
I am a failure.

I think I need to plan my meals. Because what am I gonna do for day 10 which is 300 calories?? When I get home I'm chugging water and fasting. Because I can't keep doing this. Every bite is failure! Every bite is a fat roll. Every bite pulls me farther from perfection.

Cake, cupcakes, brownies. Happy Valentines Day -__-

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Day 2—800 Calories

I woke up this morning and the scale said 171lbs
What....the hell.?
Yesterday when I was cleaning my room I dropped it. So maybe it's broken :( NOOOOOOO!!
We have another one in the bathroom and it says I'm 176.2lbs, so I'm goin with that.

Today I plan on not eating whatsoever until I get home. I wanna save those calories for my moms cooking, which is too good!

Let's see how the day goes!

I came home and weighed 174.6 so idk what's goin on!

Here's my intake:
Peanut MnMs--250
Tiny nibble of chicken--20
Ginger ale--90
Crab legs--400
Philly CheeseSteak--500

SW: 185lbs
CW: 176
GW1: 170lbs
GW2: 160lbs
GW3: 150lbs
GW4: 140lbs
GW5: 130lbs

Now, the only things I'm COMPLETELY sure about are the MnMs, coffee and the ginger ale. Other than those definite 450 calories I'm just guessing exaggeratedly. But I honestly think I went at least to 1000 Cals, which sucks so bad. Like, why can't my fat ass just not eat?? Why can't I say no??
You know what tomorrow I am not having it I'm gonna be UNDER my calorie goal no matter what it takes!! And that's a promise!!

Ugh, okay I'm done ranting. Thinspo? I think yes!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Day 1—800 calories

I've been away and I'm sorry, but now that I'm doing my softie version of the ABC diet, I will HAVE to blog everyday.

It's only 9:30 AM but I had this school lunch juice box thingy and I have no idea how many calories it was so let's say 100 just to be safe. I plan on eating this candy bar my sister bought me, even though I know I shouldn't. But nothing until I get home.

SW: 185lbs
CW: 177.6 (as always, damnit!)
GW1: 170lbs
GW2: 160lbs
GW3: 150lbs
GW4: 140lbs
GW5: 130lbs

9:38AM, this is my intake
Grape juice thingy--100
3/4 Hershey's Milk Chocolate--160
Total (temporary)--260

My goal is to be 173 by next week Saturday because my school is having this rave thingy and I wanna be HOT! So I'm gonna start working out forrealz this time lol
I literally sit around and fantasize about how I'd look when I get to my goal. Other thinspo addicts want bones but I just want flat. I'm not striving to look skeletal, I'm striving for a smooth body without rolls or bra over hang or flab. I don't want my thighs to touch but I don't want a huge gap. I don't care if my hip ones show as long as I don't have a muffin top whatsoever.
THIS is the body I want!
Just smooth and flat all over. Well, not all over lol.

Still haven't eaten anything yet. Yay!
I have senior priveledge so I go home 7th period. When I get there:
1. Clean
2. Laundry
3. Write a little of my Senior Paper
4. Get my uniform ready

And then I won't eat except for 5 bites of what my mom makes for dinner, coffee, and a fruit. I'll update later, with some THINSPO of course!

Well my plan didn't go so well...
Pork Cracklings--70
Coffee w/cream&sugar--110
Sandwhich my mom made--500 (just guessing)

Well when it gets darker I'm going on a 30min walk and then 40min cardio/strength. I'll post of pic of my exercise regiment.

I'll be back later!
Bc of my stubborn mother the walking thing didn't work out. But I'm gonna do this

When I'm done with this post.
Crab leg--200
Little bites of random things-- 200
Yeah. Shitty, I know.

1530 :(
Well, I did extremely round up, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'm not eating AT ALL in school tomorrow. I need to save those calories!