Monday, March 25, 2013

Back, and Here To Stay

6:46 PM My mom found my diary. For safekeeping I put most of it in code. This frustrated the shit out of her. She yelled, I yelled. So, she took my iPod.
All hell broke loose.
She found all of my thinspo (good thing I log out of my blog) and kept asking me "why do you think you're fat?" "Are you on a diet?" "Do we need to see the therapist?"
I denied all these things but she still didn't give it back. To make matters worse, she took my phone too. And to make them even worse worse, she became a fucking food Nazi. So, to keep her off my back I started eating like I used to. And then I couldn't get enough of it. I thought, "what the hell, I don't look so bad," all the while avoiding the mirror and the scale.
I knew I was getting fat and it scared the shit out of me. Finally I stepped on the scale.
I was so disappointed. I was so close to the 160's and I fucked it up. But now I'm back! And with a vengeance. Its Spring Break and I started today with a liquid fast. I've legit have had nothing but coffee and water. I made some peanut butter and crackers to put her off my trail, but I gave it away to one of the little kids next door.
I feel more lightheaded than hungry, though I am very hungry. But I planned on going to school next Monday and WOWING everyone! Especially my ex, who sits right next to me in English class. Fucker.
Plus, prom is month away. Idk if I plan on fasting the whole day, but ill try, maybe have another cup of coffee. I put fat free creamer and sugar in mine (I know it's not very Ana of me) bc I cannot handle it black. It's only 165 calories for two cups that fill me for hours, so it's cool with me!
I just got on the scale : 171.2lbs
Less, but still fat as fuck. I'm gonna try to get through my day. Ttyl <3

I broke my promise and had dinner with my mom. Homemade burger with fries. It was small, and I only had a few fries. Here are my stats. As usual I over estimate everything. I doubt I've had 985 calories.
I'm going to bed, whoever is reading. But tomorrow I'm posting a shitload of thinspo so get ready :) goodnight!

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Day 4—700 Calories

Lol good morning whoever is reading this! I'm feeling less worthless than usual which is good. I had like four sips of a Pepsi this morning before hopping on the city bus and heading to the mall. Im not even hungry yet. Today's stats:
Height: 5'4"
SW: 185lbs
CW: 173???
GW1: 170lbs
GW2: 160lbs
GW3: 150lbs
GW4: 140lbs
GW5: 130lbs

I think my scale is broken. Idk, I don't wanna get my feelings hurt you know? I don't want to be disappointed. Anyway, I'm at the mall and being around clothes makes me want to starve myself till I'm bones, it's great motivation for me. Hopefully that 173 was real and I can celebrate. If it is, I might be able to reach 170 by next week, which I haven't been in over a year.

I do this for the flat tummy.
I do this for thighs that won't spread when I sit down.
I do this to prove them wrong.
I do this to turn heads.
I do this to feel beautiful, confident, and sexy.
I do this to get back at my ex(es).
I do this for a back without numerous rolls and bra fat.
I do this to not envy the skinny girls.
I do this for a less fat face.
I do this to be small.
I do this to lose weight.
I do this to BE thinspo.

I forgot about what the mall also has besides clothes: THE FOOD COURT!! Lol damnit someone get me the hell out of here!!
I'm trying so hard to resist. I keep telling myself that I don't have enough anyway. But I do have enough for a Mrs. Fields cookie....

I resisted temptation!! I even didn't get these peanut MnMs that were calling my name! I feel so proud! Lets see how long this proudness lasts when I get home lol. HOPEFULLY I'll only eat an apple with peanut butter and some coffee. Thats only 405 calories!
Ugh, I have to take out my weave today...

I can feel it. My body running on fumes. My hands and legs shaking and my head pounding. Even though I'm dizzy, it almost feels like I'm high, on cloud 9.
Maybe even 10.
I'm on my way back home, waiting for the bus. Ttyl <3

I ate some of what my mom cooked. I'm not even gonna dwell on it, I'm just proud I went the whole day. Wow.
Fuck the intake.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Day 3—600 Calories

I missed the bus. A car was speeding down the intersection and coming towards me so I turned around to run and twisted my ankle :(

On a less deadly note, I woke up and the scale greeted me with 174lbs!! I honestly think there's something wrong with it bc how could it be?? I'm so close to my first goal I can't wait to actually get there. I'll be 15lbs lighter. 15lbs of pain, loneliness, low self esteem, and most of all disgusting FA T!!

I'm praying I don't eat.
Please body, don't binge.
Be strong. Be thin. Be beautiful.

My prayer didn't work.
My mom was super suspicious and made me eat a breakfast croissant, even though I told her I already had a coffee! I was so mad! I hate when she controls me dammit I'm almost grown!

ANYWAY, so I came to school pissed tf off, late and FAT. AND THEN my best friend got me chocolate for V-Day, and my other best friend got me a Lolly pop.
Breakfast sandwhich--380
Hershey bar--260
Lollipop--100 (exaggerated)

I hate myself. I couldn't stop. I couldnt say no. I keep reminding myself of the body I want, but it doesn't stop me. There's a skinny girl inside me. She's so thin and all the guys want her. She's fit and her flat stomach makes guys swoon. The girls she used to envy now flock to her.
She is beautiful. Unlike Fat Ugly Me. Restricting takes self control and I seem to not have any. How can I go through life with out self control?? I will fail.
I am a failure.

I think I need to plan my meals. Because what am I gonna do for day 10 which is 300 calories?? When I get home I'm chugging water and fasting. Because I can't keep doing this. Every bite is failure! Every bite is a fat roll. Every bite pulls me farther from perfection.

Cake, cupcakes, brownies. Happy Valentines Day -__-

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Day 2—800 Calories

I woke up this morning and the scale said 171lbs
What....the hell.?
Yesterday when I was cleaning my room I dropped it. So maybe it's broken :( NOOOOOOO!!
We have another one in the bathroom and it says I'm 176.2lbs, so I'm goin with that.

Today I plan on not eating whatsoever until I get home. I wanna save those calories for my moms cooking, which is too good!

Let's see how the day goes!

I came home and weighed 174.6 so idk what's goin on!

Here's my intake:
Peanut MnMs--250
Tiny nibble of chicken--20
Ginger ale--90
Crab legs--400
Philly CheeseSteak--500

SW: 185lbs
CW: 176
GW1: 170lbs
GW2: 160lbs
GW3: 150lbs
GW4: 140lbs
GW5: 130lbs

Now, the only things I'm COMPLETELY sure about are the MnMs, coffee and the ginger ale. Other than those definite 450 calories I'm just guessing exaggeratedly. But I honestly think I went at least to 1000 Cals, which sucks so bad. Like, why can't my fat ass just not eat?? Why can't I say no??
You know what tomorrow I am not having it I'm gonna be UNDER my calorie goal no matter what it takes!! And that's a promise!!

Ugh, okay I'm done ranting. Thinspo? I think yes!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Day 1—800 calories

I've been away and I'm sorry, but now that I'm doing my softie version of the ABC diet, I will HAVE to blog everyday.

It's only 9:30 AM but I had this school lunch juice box thingy and I have no idea how many calories it was so let's say 100 just to be safe. I plan on eating this candy bar my sister bought me, even though I know I shouldn't. But nothing until I get home.

SW: 185lbs
CW: 177.6 (as always, damnit!)
GW1: 170lbs
GW2: 160lbs
GW3: 150lbs
GW4: 140lbs
GW5: 130lbs

9:38AM, this is my intake
Grape juice thingy--100
3/4 Hershey's Milk Chocolate--160
Total (temporary)--260

My goal is to be 173 by next week Saturday because my school is having this rave thingy and I wanna be HOT! So I'm gonna start working out forrealz this time lol
I literally sit around and fantasize about how I'd look when I get to my goal. Other thinspo addicts want bones but I just want flat. I'm not striving to look skeletal, I'm striving for a smooth body without rolls or bra over hang or flab. I don't want my thighs to touch but I don't want a huge gap. I don't care if my hip ones show as long as I don't have a muffin top whatsoever.
THIS is the body I want!
Just smooth and flat all over. Well, not all over lol.

Still haven't eaten anything yet. Yay!
I have senior priveledge so I go home 7th period. When I get there:
1. Clean
2. Laundry
3. Write a little of my Senior Paper
4. Get my uniform ready

And then I won't eat except for 5 bites of what my mom makes for dinner, coffee, and a fruit. I'll update later, with some THINSPO of course!

Well my plan didn't go so well...
Pork Cracklings--70
Coffee w/cream&sugar--110
Sandwhich my mom made--500 (just guessing)

Well when it gets darker I'm going on a 30min walk and then 40min cardio/strength. I'll post of pic of my exercise regiment.

I'll be back later!
Bc of my stubborn mother the walking thing didn't work out. But I'm gonna do this

When I'm done with this post.
Crab leg--200
Little bites of random things-- 200
Yeah. Shitty, I know.

1530 :(
Well, I did extremely round up, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'm not eating AT ALL in school tomorrow. I need to save those calories!


Monday, January 21, 2013

New Diet Plans & Black Thinspo

My life has been so shitty. I can't believe that people I love are turning against me. Not only that, but now I'm single.
Throughout this whole mess I have not paid any attention to my weight. Some days I would binge, others I would be too depressed to eat. But amazingly I've managed to stay at 179.4 Fatass.
The only reason I've decided to get my ass up and do something about it is because I realized that many of the guys I have crushes on tend to keep skinny girlfriends and dates. So, maybe the reason why they never wanted to go out but still flirted with me was because my personality was great enough to flirt with but not enough to ask out. But I'm not changing myself to get guys it's just the principle of the fact that my weight is hindering me in that area. Also, it would help if I were a little more confident. In the wake of a skinny girl, I find myself embarrassed to be around her.
I want this so bad but the universe is throwing me some tough obstacles. I don't want this body. I don't particularly hate it, but I would trade it for a smaller one in a millisecond. I decided that instead of trying to fast all day I should fast for a certain amount of hours and gradually move down. So now I only eat (healthily) from 7am to 2pm, after which I fast until 7am eat until 2 ect,. And ABSOLUTLY NO junk food or soda. Just water, tea, and black coffee (blek)!!
And to throw in a little extra, I will be doing all of this while attempting the infamous ABC Diet, a softer version though. If it works out I will do the original ABC Diet.
Okay here's the softie version of ABC diet:
Day 1: 800 calories (or less)
Day 2: 800 calories (or less)
Day 3: 600 calories
Day 4: 700 calories
Day 5: 400 calories
Day 6: 500 calories
Day 7: 600 calories
Day 8: 700 calories
Day 9: 800 calories
Day 10: 300 calories
Day 11: 450 calories
Day 12: 500 calories
Day 13: 700 calories
Day 14: 650 calories
Day 15: 550 calories
Day 16: 500 calories
Day 17: 300 calories
Day 18: 500 calories
Day 19: 400 calories
Day 20: 300 calories
Day 21: 600 calories
Day 22: 550 calories
Day 23: 500 calories
Day 24: 450 calories
Day 25: 400 calories
Day 26: 350 calories
Day 27: 400 calories
Day 28: 500 calories
Day 29: 500 calories
Day 30: 600 calories
Day 31: 1100 calories
Day 32: 300 calories
Day 33: 550 calories
Day 34: 650 calories
Day 35: 750 calories
Day 36: 300 calories
Day 37: 800 calories
Day 38: 750 calories
Day 39: 700 calories
Day 40: 650 calories
Day 41: 600 calories
Day 42: 550 calories
Day 43: 500 calories
Day 44: 500 calories
Day 45: 550 calories
Day 46: 500 calories
Day 47: 600 calories
Day 48: 500 calories
Day 49: 450 calories
Day 50: 300 calories
Okay, enough with the heavy shit, here's some real black girl thinspiration for ya ;)

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Real Black Girl Thinspo

Sometimes seeing real girls can help to motivate me more than models. And as you can see from my blog title, Not All Black Girls Wanna Be Thick, so there are some thin ones out there trust me!

Seeing real girls somewhat similar to you is helpful, but there is not one Ana/Mia/ED that doesn't have that one girl they see on a regular basis that they look up to.
You know the girl I'm talking about.
The girl that has the body you dream you had, that makes you want to work out and diet and eat laxatives till you puke. You almost want to be her, she is your Ultimate Thinspo.

Well, there's a girl like that for me, let's call her T. Shes gorgeous and fashionable and super popular. Everyone in my city knows her name. She has a great car, great hair/skin/nails, and shes a model, but the thing I admire the most is her body type, which I wish I could have :( she's so lucky, the guys at my school literally swoon over her. I never go so far as to wish I was her, but I Damn sure wish I had her flat stomach and smooth back. I've been cursed with disgusting back fat, and it's not like my stomach is sooo big, it's really the back rolls that make me look so fucking nasty, like I could reach behind me a pinch the rolls, I've counted and there's five. I'll post a pick later so you see I'm not exaggerating.

There's another girl too her name is Jasmine, she would be my Ultimate Thinspo because her body is 10x better, but I've never seen her in person only pics so I've never had the full "Wow" affect. I'll post pics of her later.

Anyway, here's some pics of T.