Thursday, February 14, 2013

Day 3—600 Calories

I missed the bus. A car was speeding down the intersection and coming towards me so I turned around to run and twisted my ankle :(

On a less deadly note, I woke up and the scale greeted me with 174lbs!! I honestly think there's something wrong with it bc how could it be?? I'm so close to my first goal I can't wait to actually get there. I'll be 15lbs lighter. 15lbs of pain, loneliness, low self esteem, and most of all disgusting FA T!!

I'm praying I don't eat.
Please body, don't binge.
Be strong. Be thin. Be beautiful.

My prayer didn't work.
My mom was super suspicious and made me eat a breakfast croissant, even though I told her I already had a coffee! I was so mad! I hate when she controls me dammit I'm almost grown!

ANYWAY, so I came to school pissed tf off, late and FAT. AND THEN my best friend got me chocolate for V-Day, and my other best friend got me a Lolly pop.
Breakfast sandwhich--380
Hershey bar--260
Lollipop--100 (exaggerated)

I hate myself. I couldn't stop. I couldnt say no. I keep reminding myself of the body I want, but it doesn't stop me. There's a skinny girl inside me. She's so thin and all the guys want her. She's fit and her flat stomach makes guys swoon. The girls she used to envy now flock to her.
She is beautiful. Unlike Fat Ugly Me. Restricting takes self control and I seem to not have any. How can I go through life with out self control?? I will fail.
I am a failure.

I think I need to plan my meals. Because what am I gonna do for day 10 which is 300 calories?? When I get home I'm chugging water and fasting. Because I can't keep doing this. Every bite is failure! Every bite is a fat roll. Every bite pulls me farther from perfection.

Cake, cupcakes, brownies. Happy Valentines Day -__-

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