Shame

I don't have any followers, and I'm kinda glad because I would HATE for you guys to read How much I've failed. I'm such a failure....

Christmas break came around, and I had planned to lose massive amounts of weight so I could go back to school and wow people. But, my grandad came down from North Carolina. And it's not that I don't absolutely LOVE him, I mean he's been more of a father than my father has ever been, but he cooks that true grandmas house down in the backwater country food. I feel so fucking fat!!

And ANY person that is obsessed about their weight will tell you that when they eat really bad they avoid the scale like the ugly guy that's been in love with you since kindergarten.

Since the break started I've been piling this disgusting fat filled food down my gullet, and I mean DISGUSTING: cookies, cakes, pies, fried foods, pizza, ice cream, candy, mayo based salads, greasy food, fast food, soda, soda, and more fucking SODA!! And I felt so guilty that I didn't step on the scale not once.

Until just now.

My breath completely stopped in my chest. How could i? How could I just give up on my dream? How could I just throw it all away???

179.2 lbs.

I promise if it would have said 180 I would dropped dead right there.

So, I'm saying right here and right now, that I am changing. Tomorrow its nothing but fruit and water and coffee (courtesy of my new coffee maker—thanks mom!!) and this 40 minute workout that I'll post tomorrow. I can't be fat anymore I don't want to be the "fat friend" I want my boyfriend to pick me up, I want to feel sexy when I'm naked, I want to go back to school on the 8th and have people come up to me and say, "have you lost weight?" I want my ex to feel like shit, I want guys to notice me just so I can say I have a bf, I want to show my stomach and wear cropped tops, I want my jelly thighs to stop rubbing together, I want to feel confident in WHATEVER I wear, I want to be small, tiny, thin, light, little, I WANT TO BE SKINNY!!

*breathe..*

Okay, I'm gonna stop ranting and raving and give you guys some well deserved thinspo, One of the things I'd love to wear when I'm smaller:
CORSET TOPS THINSPO!!

Glad to Be Back!

My phone wouldnt work unless it was charging, so I had to get a new one. And then my mom took it away because I forgot to wash the dishes one night, so I've been AWOL to the outside world. To be completely honest my diet has went to shits! I have been trying to eat right, but without thinspo or my blog i've been lost. Luckily, I've only gained about one pound.

                 CW: 177.6 lbs
           1st GW: 150 lbs
         2nd GW: 140 lbs
              UGW: 135 lbs

I hate that I cant stay away from food. I hate that my mom is constantly asking me to bake things, or make dinner which means I have to taste it which ultimately means im gonna eat it!

Sorry im being such a Debbie Downer, but it really is hard. I find myself looking at the tiny girls at my school with a perspective thats almost envious. I would look at them with longing of the great bodies they had but never envy or jealousy! I think I want this so bad its becoming a problem, I dont want an ED but I'll gladly take one if that means I'll lose weight. If anyone has a problem with that then click the little red "X" at the top of the window and move on.

On another note, I think im going to start walking after school for an hour everyday, its really the only option I have as far as exercise since my dad stole my Wii.

Another story for another day.

Tomorrow my little sister is turning five so theres gonna be a huge party with lots of food and cake :( I'll be sure to let you know how that goes because I really will try to resist temptation, because nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

Anyway, here's some Thinspo: Anna Faris!
Some of the pics are kinda explicit so viewer discretion is advised :)
  

   Im getting sleepy so I'll head off to bed, have a great night :)

Good morning!

Yesterday's water fast was going great until I got home from school at 7 (I'm in Drama Club after school) and stepped on the scale. It read a whopping 180! My jaw dropped. I couldnt believe it, I gained 3 pounds??? I walked around the whole day guzzling on water like I was in a damn desert. I broke the fast and had a Caesar salad and two Brownies.
After my shower I stepped on the scale and was amazed once again to see the scale read 177.2 I thought the scale was broken until I realized my dumbass had on a bunch of clothes and my shoes and socks when I first weighed myself, so I basically broke the fast for Nothing -__-
I went to bed around nine, and when I woke up I weighed myself again. So here are the stats:

                     CW: 176.4
               1st GW: 150
              2nd GW: 140
                   UGW: 135

I have a full bottle of water and a 110 calorie bag of corn flakes lol that's like the only healthy snack in my house. Before I end this post, I just wanna share the main reasons Why I want to lose weight.
1. PROM—Who wants to look like a fat cow on one the most important nights of their life??
2. CONFIDENCE—I want to turn heads, I want to wake up in the morning and know that I'm gorgeous and that No matter what I'll never forget it!
3. MY EX—When we broke up he called me a fat bitch over and over again. I can't wait to lose weight and Watch him eat his decrepit heart out..hehe
3. CLOTHES—You notice how all the cute shit is for the skinny girls?? Yeah. I want to wear skin tight dresses and short shorts and most of all, CROP TOPS!
4. NAKED—I'm not a promiscuous girl, but I'm No virgin either. I want to be able to bear all and not be shy about it. Worrying about a fat roll really takes the fun out of sex!
5. HEALTH—When you get a chance find out what the healthy weight is for someone your height. I find out I should be at the Max 150 pounds. I'm 5'4. I don't want to be the maximum, I'm striving for less.

There are more reasons but those are the top 5.
Stay beautiful <3

Off to a rough start cont.

I thought I could handle the pressure, but I cracked. I walked into the kitchen and ran smack dab into a plate of Brownies. I had one, and a gummy, one starburst, and a fun size pack of skittles.
Oh but that's not the worst part.
At the doctors office my baby sisters were complaining that they were hungry, so my mom left and brought back CHECKERS! Ugh! She got me my favorite—the chicken bites box!

I only ate half of it, feeling like a slob. And she offered a bite of her Bacon Burger. I took like..four.
When I got home, the Brownies assaulted me again. I'm so ashamed. I ate like a total fatass Today. If I step on the scale and find myself anywhere in the 180's I'll cry.

I decided to keep my water bottle full at all times, so I can do my first water fast tomorrow. I pray it wont be too hard, I'll keep telling myself that it's just one day. It's just food for pickles sake! Not air! I hope it goes well!

<3 Goodnight lovez