Shame

I don't have any followers, and I'm kinda glad because I would HATE for you guys to read How much I've failed. I'm such a failure....

Christmas break came around, and I had planned to lose massive amounts of weight so I could go back to school and wow people. But, my grandad came down from North Carolina. And it's not that I don't absolutely LOVE him, I mean he's been more of a father than my father has ever been, but he cooks that true grandmas house down in the backwater country food. I feel so fucking fat!!

And ANY person that is obsessed about their weight will tell you that when they eat really bad they avoid the scale like the ugly guy that's been in love with you since kindergarten.

Since the break started I've been piling this disgusting fat filled food down my gullet, and I mean DISGUSTING: cookies, cakes, pies, fried foods, pizza, ice cream, candy, mayo based salads, greasy food, fast food, soda, soda, and more fucking SODA!! And I felt so guilty that I didn't step on the scale not once.

Until just now.

My breath completely stopped in my chest. How could i? How could I just give up on my dream? How could I just throw it all away???

179.2 lbs.

I promise if it would have said 180 I would dropped dead right there.

So, I'm saying right here and right now, that I am changing. Tomorrow its nothing but fruit and water and coffee (courtesy of my new coffee maker—thanks mom!!) and this 40 minute workout that I'll post tomorrow. I can't be fat anymore I don't want to be the "fat friend" I want my boyfriend to pick me up, I want to feel sexy when I'm naked, I want to go back to school on the 8th and have people come up to me and say, "have you lost weight?" I want my ex to feel like shit, I want guys to notice me just so I can say I have a bf, I want to show my stomach and wear cropped tops, I want my jelly thighs to stop rubbing together, I want to feel confident in WHATEVER I wear, I want to be small, tiny, thin, light, little, I WANT TO BE SKINNY!!

*breathe..*

Okay, I'm gonna stop ranting and raving and give you guys some well deserved thinspo, One of the things I'd love to wear when I'm smaller:
CORSET TOPS THINSPO!!

Good morning!

Yesterday's water fast was going great until I got home from school at 7 (I'm in Drama Club after school) and stepped on the scale. It read a whopping 180! My jaw dropped. I couldnt believe it, I gained 3 pounds??? I walked around the whole day guzzling on water like I was in a damn desert. I broke the fast and had a Caesar salad and two Brownies.
After my shower I stepped on the scale and was amazed once again to see the scale read 177.2 I thought the scale was broken until I realized my dumbass had on a bunch of clothes and my shoes and socks when I first weighed myself, so I basically broke the fast for Nothing -__-
I went to bed around nine, and when I woke up I weighed myself again. So here are the stats:

                     CW: 176.4
               1st GW: 150
              2nd GW: 140
                   UGW: 135

I have a full bottle of water and a 110 calorie bag of corn flakes lol that's like the only healthy snack in my house. Before I end this post, I just wanna share the main reasons Why I want to lose weight.
1. PROM—Who wants to look like a fat cow on one the most important nights of their life??
2. CONFIDENCE—I want to turn heads, I want to wake up in the morning and know that I'm gorgeous and that No matter what I'll never forget it!
3. MY EX—When we broke up he called me a fat bitch over and over again. I can't wait to lose weight and Watch him eat his decrepit heart out..hehe
3. CLOTHES—You notice how all the cute shit is for the skinny girls?? Yeah. I want to wear skin tight dresses and short shorts and most of all, CROP TOPS!
4. NAKED—I'm not a promiscuous girl, but I'm No virgin either. I want to be able to bear all and not be shy about it. Worrying about a fat roll really takes the fun out of sex!
5. HEALTH—When you get a chance find out what the healthy weight is for someone your height. I find out I should be at the Max 150 pounds. I'm 5'4. I don't want to be the maximum, I'm striving for less.

There are more reasons but those are the top 5.
Stay beautiful <3